When I think about life with a four year old son, three year old daughter and twin six month old girls, I think of the Jim Gaffigan quote, “You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.” Jim, you are 100% correct. Being a twin mom is a beast, but being a twin mom with two more young children is apocalyptic.
I get asked a lot what it’s like having four kids under the age of five. I also get a lot of different reactions when it comes to my brood. Some are like the grocery cashier who told me, “Better you than me!” as my twins are wailing and I’m dropping the contents of my purse on the conveyor belt while making sure the other two aren’t being sold into human trafficking. Others look at me like someone who climbed Mount Everest in the nude. How do you do it?! Where do you get the energy?! Why are your boobs so saggy?!
But, looking back, life is completely different than it was when I was a regular mom with two kids. Here’s what it’s like being a twin mom with two other small children.
- You’re a local celebrity. Everyone knows you as the twin mom with a slew of other children. Whether they cringe when they see you or stare at you with jaws on the floor as you sweat through preschool drop-off, they notice you at all times.
- You can’t blend in. Forget about grocery shopping incognito. You have two kids you’re chasing, one cart you’re pulling and a double stroller you’re pushing. You better have a bra on because everyoneis staring at you.
- You make other moms feel bad. Last week, for the first time since September, I wore makeup and brushed my hair before school drop-off. I did this because I was going to go to my son’s Thanksgiving party. The letter the teacher sent home listing when the party would be got sucked into my black hole of a home before I even read it. So, I was at the ready if the party started right away. This required me to get up at 4 am. I saw my son’s classmate’s mom later that day and she said, “Wow, you made me feel like crap this morning. You have four kids and looked so nice. I have two and look like garbage.” You’ll get this a lot. If you perform the smallest task, you’re celebrated while other moms hate themselves.
- Bedtime is a thing of the past. Oh, how I remember routine and knowing what the next minute held in store for me. Now, we all fly by the seat of our pants. Last night, for instance, the twins were asleep for the night at 4:30 pm and the four year old fell asleep at 5 pm. We were up today at 3 am. I can see you judging me. Get ahold of yourself, woman! That’s absolutely ridiculous! You’re saying. I would have said that too. Back before I had two infants screaming in my face until veins throbbed and two small children decorating my house in toilet paper. My husband works, I have two arms, sometimes it’s just bedtime in the afternoon.
- Leaving the house requires hours of prep. Do you know that two infant car seats weight 50 pounds? Add a diaper bag, purse and winter clothing and you’re a sweaty swine by the time you reach your destination. So, you need to figure out if your destination is stroller-friendly, plan the drive during nap time, do college algebra to determine how much milk to pack, orchestrate bowel movements before lift-off and have one carefully planned breakdown before putting your makeup on.
- TV is my BFF. The only way you’re going to be able to take a shower, get the mail, grab a string cheese to stuff in your craw is with the help of good ol’ Doc McStuffins. Without the television, any attempt to leave the room will result in your home being torn down to the studs and your children probably already ordered 56 Kidz Bop songs on your iTunes.
- Your heart is going to burst with happiness. I’m not kidding. When the dust settles at the end of the day and you have eight, tiny, pajamaed feet curled in your bed and you’re watching Beethoven for the 40th time this week, you are going to get real weepy. You’re going to know this was your lot in life. This is what you’re meant to do. These little sticky hands and freshly cleaned heads are what you were meant to accomplish in this life. You go to bed in the same clothes you wore all day with make up from three days ago still on and fall asleep before you can find a show on Netflix but you are happy. So, very happy.
- Meet The Blogger: Where did she come from? Where did she go? Mrs. Mommy Mack is an impulsive writer for the past decade or so. She started out professionally and couldn’t handle the ghastly amount of money she was paid, so now she does it for free! As a self-proclaimed Expert of Nothing, Mrs. Mommy Mack uses her blog as cathartic word vomit she hopes will make you smile. There’s really no theme. She just so happens to be a mom who’s been on a diet since puberty and curses much too much.